My intuation was right. Im gonna be lonely this valentine`s day. Hais. Marcus & me have just broken up bcos of the same reason as the other time we broke up. I guess im not good enough to keep his heart loyal to me, not pretty enough, not slim enough..im just not good enough. Hais. We`re friends thou, but i dont like it. Feels very wierd not being able to call him MINE. Hais. Whatever it is.. i would wait for him again. He might not come back anymore, he might have a new GF soon but i just wanna wait. Wait till i haf found another guy i love MORE den him.. but i guess its impossible. I feel like dying.. gosh. The pain in my heart is killing me more and more by the minute.

One year Ten months and fourteen days just gone down the drain like this. Even when i asked him for one last shot at this r/s to see if it works out or to see if his feelings for the other girl is real, he rejected me. Nothing, NOTHING in this r/s can hold him back anymore. Not the fun times we had wrestling each other, playing superman, nua-ing on the bed, going to the grand cathy just to eat ben & jerry`s ice cream, going to 401 at ungodly hours to eat spring chicken and carrot cake, he acting like a cute mouse and calling me his little ants, the countless times of him scolding me and we would fight, the times whereby we would eat @ pasta mania and i would forbid him to eat the pizza as he would have stinky farts, the times when i disiao him about the gingerbread woman in carrefour, the many times when i piss him off with my camera asking him to take a pic with me, the times we huddle under the umbrella walking to paradiz center to flag cab.. the times when i always bug him to buy goreng pisang for me frm long house, the yummy muffins from shunfu mart, the countless times i`ve slacked with him @ the sits at his house there talking sweet stuffs..the time when we were so bored and we went to spotlight to play.. the times when we felt like eating mango cake and we got ONE big cake, our kissing..hugging..the times of him asking me if i wanna marry him..the times of him talking about tattoos and irritating me.. Hais.. the list can go on. I have not watch the fat woman show with him, the very funny make-fun-of-people show, ghost rider.. hais.. and now we do not have the chance anymore.

Im very selfish. I just want him to be all MINE and no one else. Im jealous, jealous that the girl can just take him away from me like this. What does she have that i dont? The looks? The figure? I dont know, but i guess she`ll be his valentine this year. I really feel so helpless, so vulnerable, i just feel like stuffing myself full with pills and go to sleep. I dont have the appetite anymore, i cant eat. I dont want to eat.. Hais.. I just wanna drown all my sorrows by drinking which is what i did today.

He just told me he loved & missed me this morning, and ytd too. He even told me not to think so much.. but yet, what happened? My heart is like shattered into a million pieces which i think no one would be able to mend it except him.. my heart feels like its about to burst soon. *Sigh..

I guess i gotta learn to be strong and learn to climb up myself after falling down. Hais..

Marcus,
I really dont know what i do not have that could make you fall in love with another person so quickly. You barely know her and yet you`ve confessed your feelings for her. You ditched me bcos of another girl ! you know how hurt you have made me? Our past one year 10 mth 14 days.. is it worth it? All of our time spent tgt are past now bcos of something which you aint sure of? You say i flirt in friendster, but what you did is 100 times worser than me. You fell for another girl! I feel like whatever things you`ve said to me, said that you love me, missed me, wanna make me your wife and be the first to be able to sit in your car, you made me feel as thou that all those you`ve said were just sweet nothings. You just said it so as to see me smile right? You were a good bf but just that you were a very fierce one, but i really still love you. Why cant anything in this r/s hold you back? The first time it happened, also nothing could hold you back, you said you didnt wanna hurt me and now its happening again? I should have jolly well seen it coming ! You said i was too good for you? I think im not. You are handsome, im ugly, you`re thin, im fat and my attitude sucks. You call this GOOD? Hais.. you know how much i feel like killing myself now? I feel like just running up to the road and throw myself towards oncoming traffic so that i need not put up with all this tortures you put me through. I was so so excited that i get to spend v`day with you but now.. Hais.. i really wanna end my life now. I cant stand the pain in my heart, i cant stop crying, i just cant no matter how many times i tell myself that it was YOU who was in the wrong. I keep telling myself that i should feel angry and not sad, i keep telling myself to hate you so that i can ease the pain, but yet, my heart has already forgiven you. What i know now is that i really cant live without you.. its like you are my heart, without you..i cant live..cant breathe. Im gonna wait for you no matter what, be it you come back to me or not. I really love you so much, but i never expected you to do this to me. I really trusted you not to flirt behind my back, but what did i get? Hais.. I really love you. I dont wanna be just your friend, i wanna be MORE. why cant i? Hais.. Forget it. Im just gonna be a fucktard and not care about anything. Im not gonna care bout myself, not my health.. not anything.

Heres the story from beginning to end..



So thats all the pictures, from beginning to end (I know its not very tidy bcos the pic were in all diff sizes) I guess this is it. Hais.. Im crying as im typing this.. its 7:43 am and im still not asleep. Im giddy but yet i wanna torture myself. Hais. Nvm. I gotta feeling this is really the end.


This Will NOT be the Samantha you people will ever see again. I dont think im gonna be happy again.